Adaptation from：愛非一時的絢爛，是一世的努力 (上)
It’s White Valentines’ Day! Have you given any thought into how you plan to celebrate this day with your significant half?
If you and your partner happened to be on a distance relationship, don’t be upset; as long as you and your lover shows care for one another, it’s still something worth celebrating, isn’t it?
Although it’s nice that a couple spends time with one another during these kinds of special events, it’s far more important that couples thoughtfully manage their relationship during everyday interactions, since these are what truly decide whether a relationship last or not.
Today, I will share with you some of the ways to manage your love relationship in everyday life so as to create more intimate memories and times with your partner.
It’s the common rule that we experience ups and downs in a relationship. When we are in the honeymoon phase, we tend to ignore the flaws and see only the good qualities of the one we are attracted to. However, when we enter into the next stage of uncertainty (aka. the stage of fights), we start to doubt the relationship and look for any tiny bit of error in our significant other.
Yet, this does not mean that all conflicts are bad for the relationship and that all seemingly peaceful interactions are good. Rather, what we should be concerned about is how we are facing the conflicts to induce growth in the relationship afterwards so that it lasts.
A research published in the Journal of Family Theory & Review listed several key factors affecting the intimacy level within a relationship by looking at over thousands of psychological studies on intimate relationships. I hereby categorize these factors into two categories in terms of two of the main stages in a relationship (i.e. honeymoon phase and conflict phase). I will also discuss about the ways in which we could better maintain our relationship taking these factors into consideration.
How to Maintain a Relationship during the Honeymoon Phase?
I. Hold Positive Views toward the Relationship and Your Significant Other
Psychologists have found that every relationship consists of three forms of thinking, including one’s feeling for his/her lover, one’s views and feelings toward the relationship, and one’s perception of how his/her friends or family view the relationship (Cate, Koval, Lloyd, & Wilson, 1995).
Having said that, research have shown that only the former two types of thinking affect the level of happiness experienced in the relationship (Ogolsky, Monk, Rice, Theisen, & Maniotes, 2017). That is to say, the couple is solely responsible for their relationship; thus, they both need to value their relationship and view one another in a positive light so as to make this partnership work.
II. Give Generously and Accept Bravely
What does it mean to give generously in a relationship? Giving generously means to not only offer material goods without hoping for returns, it is also to share every part of yourself—goods and bads—openly and unequivocally with your partner so that they feel honored and loved (Dew & Wilcox, 2013).
You may also show your care for him/her by preparing lunch or dinner, giving her a massage after her long day at work, or perhaps just spend time walking together. Your willingness to give out yourself to and share your life with this person will in turn make him/her feel loved, while fortifying commitment to the relationship on your part.
However, do note that when the person accepting the love in action shows doubt or suspicion toward the love given, the behaviors of giving and accepting will no longer be beneficial for their relationship (Ogolsky, Monk, Rice, Theisen, & Maniotes, 2017).
III. Give Thanks Always
How’s your experience getting along with those who show appreciation for your kindness? Feels nice, right? Research have in fact indicated that when someone is always quick to show heartfelt gratitude for the mere presence of his/her lover, they really do make the other person feel precious and happy (Kubacka, Finkenauer, Rusbult, & Keijsers, 2011).
Interestingly enough, while one gives thanks to his/her partner, he/she also becomes more considerate and compassionate for his/her lover’s needs (Ogolsky, Monk, Rice, Theisen, & Maniotes, 2017).
IV. Pray for the Happiness of Your Partner
If you happened to be a Christian as well, I assume that praying should be a daily routine and necessity for you too. Nonetheless, did you know that prayer not only serves as a way we communicate with God, but also as a way to strengthen our love relationship?
According to Fincham & Beach (2014), when we quiet ourselves in prayer for the well-being of our partner, we become more capable of withdrawing ourselves from negativity and viewing our relationship with optimism. So, if you are a Christian as I am and wish to enjoy a harmonious relationship with your love, don’t forget to pray for him/her often. If you are not yet a Christian but still would like to improve your intimate relationship, then why not try giving more thoughts into the good sides of your partner and coming up with ways to become a blessing in his/her life?
Having discussed the aspects we can focus on during the honeymoon stage of our relationship, it is time to pinpoint the keys to consider among our relational conflicts. But, let me leave that to next time. While you wait for my next column on that topic, you should get a head start on applying what we said today to your relationship!
References
- Cate, R. M., Koval, J. M., Lloyd, S. A., & Wilson, G. (1995). Assessment of relationship thinking in dating relationships. Personal Relationships, 2, 77-96.
- Dew, J., & Wilcox, W. B. (2013). Generosity and the maintenance of marital quality. Journal of Marriage and Family, 75, 1218-1228. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12066
- Gore, J. S., & Tichenor, D. (2018). Out with the old, in with the new? How changes in close relationships change the self. Journal of Relationships Research, 9, 1-7. https://doi.org/10.1017/jrr.2018.12
- Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. H. (2014). I say a little prayer for you: Praying for partner increases commitment in romantic relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 28, 587-593. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034999
- Kubacka, K. E., Finkenauer, C., Rusbult, C. E., & Keijsers, L. (2011). Maintaining close relationships: Gratitude as a motivator and a detector of maintenance behavior. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37, 1362-1375. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167211412196
- Ogolsky, B. G., Monk, J. K., Rice, T. M., Theisen, J. C., & Maniotes, C. R. (2017). Relationship maintenance: A review of research on romantic relationships. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9, 275-306. https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12205
